Not your average Christmas post I'm afraid.
I want to honour those facing hardship and struggles at this time.
I've wanted to write on the topic of SUICIDE for a while now (please skip if this is triggering), to share my personal discoveries in support of others on the path of awakening (as it's truly more common than we think) and also for myself as a reminder when im heading beyond the edge.
Recently I recognised one of the big barriers in my journey with suicide is shame, shame to fully accept this part of myself which, in deeply dark moments, ideats and longs for an end. And that shame keeps my lived experience trapped within me like a destructive cyclone. So here goes letting this piece breathe through the words that want to flow in the hope we talk about it more openly and feel less alone…
There is absolutely no sugar coating it. This juncture occurs when life for us as individuals becomes insurmountable, unbearable, overwhelming. The urge to end life feels like the only viable option in these moments. It is impossible to reach out for help, to remember you are loved, wanted, have a purpose, you no longer feel safe or able to be part of life. Your heart, mind and body are racing towards an end that feels like relief from the mountain of despair and pain.
The thing is there is so much logic in the longing to not be here, to disappear. A dear angel who recently appeared at the right moment, offering a hand as I stood at the edge of my own existential cliff reminded me that it's not the whole of me that's needing to die but a part of me that's ready to pass and has served its time.
And as I drag my ragged self gently back from the edge I realise the stark logic in what feels like a very alluring end.
To long for the end is to long to be free from suffering. Doesn't every human long for this?
Don't we all deserve this?
Could the desire for death be equal to the desire for truth?
See death and its calling is a fundamental part of evolution. The most active and fertile point in nature's cycle. Life's counterpart is exactly the juncture that propels new life into form. Creation is the byproduct of the cycle of life and dying, in their perpetual momentum the two ultimately are indistinguishable. One breath.
But in the moment when the urge takes hold it's utterly paradoxical as we experience the pendulum swinging with such contrast. I notice in the height of ideation there is not an ounce of remembering that life is worth living. Death and dying is ironically fully at work within the psyche as you plan, prepare and grieve. The urge for death in itself initiates the wisdom of dying. And the task here is to surrender, accept and allow, exploring and including all thoughts, sensations, emotions, basically whatever arises.
The urge to die is not sinful, bad, wrong or negative.
In fact it's deeply intelligent.
When embraced and faced it's an instinct to awaken, come alive, to liberate the identified parts in separation from what is true and natural.
To realise you are what lies beyond death.
Consciousness seeking to know itself.
This portal initiates an unraveling that feels painful for the individual- the dropping of inauthentic masks, old identities and all that is false and no longer serves.
A movement towards living free.
Merging our sense of self with the origin of silence and emptiness, our senses utterly soothed and swaddled in nothingness where all is reorganised according to the highest intelligence.
This past year I've been able to experience a growing peaceful joy that is slowly becoming a foundational and fundamental part of reality (offering stability amidst so much instability as my external experience and day to day continues to be more and more challenging). I'm now realising that this is solidifying because of my passing through these epically devastating moments of shedding where death's wisdom sweeps through in my longing for something to end.
Freeing up space for what is natural and true.
So here's to dropping the shame in honour of this passageway that holds wisdom if we look close.
I'm not gonna lie, it's horrific and all consuming and a part of me still wishes this could be the last time I visit this edge. But I see the reason for its existence.
For some of us, it's a deep and undeniable longing for change, growth, evolution beyond the horrors of our pain.
The longing to know ourselves intimately. To be free.
I think of how many times myself and those I care for have come to this point and it makes me both sad but it's impossible to ignore the strength and resilience that is forged.
So I honour the pain, the longing, the moving through what feels like utter destruction in myself, and if this feels like your experience from time to time, I honour the wisdom within you that longs to be free.
And I reach out a hand, you are not alone.
Thank you to the angels that show up with relentless love piercing through the darkest of nights. Reflecting the light I cannot see.
May our hearts feel the balm of hope and freedom one day at a time
With you in love
Nx