: Musings Part. 2 :
There is a time to take up space
then there is a time to become space itself.
'The body is a source. Nothing more.
There is a time for it. There is a certainty
About the way it seeks its own dissolution.
They are always en route to
Their own nothingness. From the first moment
They are going home.' ~ Eavan Boland
As the underworld season commences and I approach the threshold of my 40th birthday immersed in my own current journey of dissolution; I'm aware of how many around me are also entering or absorbed in their own unique Inanna-style underworld chapter.
And it feels ripe to share more on the layers unearthing here.
It's interesting to reflect back to over a year ago when I stepped out of view, and chose to drop everything, not really knowing the journey that lay before me as I transition towards my 40s.
I simply knew it was time to disappear.
Into the primordial ground of the deep dark Great Mother Womb,
a beckoning towards deep nourishment, the mycelial way.
It was time for decomposing, regeneration, no idea for how long, for several seasons maybe...
Unaware this long pause carried with it particular revelations that could only be sensed through the perfume of presence when I'm grounded for long enough.
One of my main tasks kicked off immediately: to let Love nourish me to my core.
As a natural caregiver, you can imagine my struggles with this...
Despite my limitations, in spite of the places closed to love, resisting love; Great Mother insisted on tightening her embrace, filling my bones to the point of fulfilment, reminding and restoring me with the very mother-matter from which I'm made.
Pfft...Still very much tender work in progress, but truly the love, support and care surrounding me has been fundamental (and a profound mirror) to welcoming this latest decent to take as long as needed.
(Thank you beloveds, you know who you are).
Luckily I no longer had the energetic capacity to resist.
It's literally impossible to focus on money, being of service, goals, dreams etc when the body is in full-blown survival mode.
It's so paradoxical and exposing at first, with many bumps and contractions along the way, but with time I began to sink into the yin-ness of it all; the softness, surrender, play, yielding, subtlety.
Waves of ongoing receptivity as the involution of self reached a pre-sensory state of rest.
Letting myself drink and be drunk,
ingest and digest
and as a result the intelligence of being receiving all the space needed to integrate, percolate, marinate.
Dare I say; reincarnate.
Despite the discomfort, I'm aware of the profound gift of this relentless emptying; so that fulfilment could finally land and expand as the present moment.
Questions I often asked myself in moments of duality within this experience:
How can I still serve away from view?
Am I still able to serve when so depleted?
How am I sustained here?
How will I replenish when I do?
And in return the message I kept receiving: Cultivating pure creative energy by restraining action until the right time.
My goodness this has been
A - Daily - Practice.
(Thank you chronic pain and fatigue for hammering this home!)
Balancing tasks with energy levels, very often overdoing it, letting others support and take some weight, asking for help, receiving help, learning to bank energy rather than expending it all when it finally comes, and then enjoying it fully when rest and activity simply flows.
Moment by moment learning to allow energy to be used on only that which is necessary, brings fulfilment and joy, no less, no more.
And to leak that energy in an unfulfilling way is to immediately encounter depletion.
Basically learning to heed the quiet winds of ripeness within rounds of dismantling.
Whilst welcoming depletion as a messenger of limitation at the threshold of my meeting with Love; where we are still yet divided...
Unsurprisingly, to sustain this underlying growth in love, and understanding the nature of depletion whilst tending to my body, a sincere merging with absolute was needed, as an act of devotion in remembering the origin of my energy.
The connection to the body began to dissolve in phases of absence, along with the senses (more on this in my previous post).
A continued washing and emptying of the senses and the one that is sensing, as both sensor and senses went offline, invited back into unification with origin.
Sometimes for days at a time.
And with every round of sincere dissolution comes an easing of my symptoms.
And shortly after the tasting of the first whispers of form rising to take shape.
Pure experiencing of self and life as it oscillates organically in and out of form.
It's a peculiar thing to dance between these two realms, one defined by boundaries and the other totally boundless.
Oceanic in its evolution.
As I encounter the material within keeping me apart from source, which right now is identity in the form of gnarly physical symptoms - (the burning truth of discomfort never fails to deliver!) the movement between appearing and disappearing becomes more seamless.
I'm sensing this experience to be a precursor to gradually dissolving the gap between these two poles.
Ascent and descent,
movement and stillness,
love and emptiness,
form and the formless
- becoming indivisible.
Surrendering to this new experience of unification brings a natural reorganisation of all the details, where what truly matters is organically empowered by conscious creation. And the rest can fall away.
Synchronicity and serendipity at their best.
As the pathway of the senses continues to purify over time I'm noticing a greater communion and simplicity with the invisible.
The irony being when I first fell ill, I felt completely cut off from any sense of beyond.
I literally couldn't hear, feel or sense creation like I used to.
God had left the building.
Now I see the significance of this withdrawal.
To truly know something I have to become it.
The subtle realms beyond time and space are always available but nowadays in addition I sense being itself infused and fortified by the absolute.
An unmoving infinite strength that remains despite my fluctuating limited state of experience.
I realise I cannot see the whole without becoming the whole, all the while allowing the recognition of eternity as the tiny ego surrenders and yields.
This is true inclusivity.
Knowing self as everything.
And paradoxically fully empty.
Learning how to wield and weave from these unseen realms and the power held within this cultivation is a fascinating and beautiful consequence.
What an invitation...
Thank you for reading if you've made it this far. It feels significant to document and share these learnings as I conclude one decade and step into another.
I'm recognising beneath the surface of the Earth
in these long dark hidden underbelly crevices of existence,
the mycelium has always existed,
fiercely devoted in their orchestration of the survival and thriving of all.
To become invisible is to finally truly see.
Right now this is the flame that burns within my heart, the hidden temple I'm imbibed within.
And none of this would be possible without those of you with me, the many precious hearts that make up my whole.
The love that grows and flows between us is literally the lifeblood that nourishes and sustains us as our spirits dance in and out of form.
For this, I'm infinitely grateful.
And if you too are in a period of disappearing I urge you not to rush.
Take your time, set yourself up with the right support, linger a little longer.
Trust in that which you long for truly longs for you in return.
Wishing you a sweet and fruitful descent towards winter, may we reap the riches that await
With love always